The dangers of dating single mothers for childless Black men bring with it specific lifestyle hazards.

The article is written from a cultural standpoint by a Black man for Black men.  Since most dating among Black people occurs within the same race it is written with familiar references while not suggesting that these circumstances are specific to dating single mother’s within the Black community.

What is a Single Mother?

To begin, being a single mother is a circumstance, much like any other circumstance in life. A woman could have found herself in such a circumstance due to divorce, separation, the death of the father of her child, an unplanned or unforeseen estranged relationship with the father of the child, and unfortunately: by sexual assault – among other reasons.

What is most important here is not how a woman arrived at being a single mother, but rather, the damaging effects that being involved with them in a romantic relationship can have on childless men – particularly  when the father of the child is in the woman’s life.

We are going to define a single mother as: a woman who does not recognize having a romantic obligation with or a commitment to the father of her child or the father(s) of her children.

The detrimental circumstances that can have childless men vulnerable when dealing with a single mother is mostly about one key phrase: deep emotional involvement.

Let’s jump right into a story. This will be the story of: Will, Tierra, Kevin and Donte.

A Tale Too Often

Will is a 30 year old Black man. He has some college under his belt, his own place, a car and a decent paying job. Will has no children, but he’s been wanting to start a family with the right woman.

He has an active life and plays in a basketball league, mentors youth at a community center and likes to travel.

One Saturday night on the town, he meets Tierra. She’s a 25 year old nurse’s assistant. Will spots Tierra at the bar, approaches her and they strike up a conversation.  After her second Sex-on-the-Beach and his double shot of whiskey, they exchange numbers.

The two get to know each other a lot better over the next few weeks and they both like each other a lot.  They go on a couple of dates and decide to be exclusive.

As Will gets further involved with Tierra, he’s not only going to be in a relationship with her, but he’s about to enter and/or be influenced by no less than 7 other relationships as well.

The 8 Relationships of Dating Single Mothers for Childless Men                           

1. Will and Tierra
2. Will, Tierra and Donte (her son)
3. Tierra and Donte
4. Tierra, Kevin (Donte’s father) and Donte
5. Will and Donte
6. Will, Tierra and Donte
7. Kevin and Donte
8. Will, Tierra, Kevin and Donte

Of these relationships, there are (3) in particular that we are going to focus on that present specific psychological and lifestyle dangers for childless men.

We will start with the first and most significant:

Tierra, Kevin and Donte

This relationship shift is the catalyst for the circumstance of Tierra being a single-mom and thus available for Will.  Notice I said shift not split.

Tierra and her child’s father, Kevin, were in an on-again-off-again relationship for a few years and during one of their early breaks, Tierra discovered that she was pregnant. They tried to work things out for the sake of their child and to give it one last go and Kevin moved into her apartment.

Things were going good at first, but a few months into Tierra’s pregnancy the two kept having fierce arguments that turned violent. This led to Kevin moving out.

Kevin and Tiera co-parent and Kevin usually gets Donte 2 or 3 days a week or when it’s convenient for him. Tierra has sworn to herself that she is done with Kevin.  Its been years of trying and they just can’t seem to get it together. She just wants Kevin to be there for his son, keep a job and stay out of trouble.

But Tierra is not truly done with Kevin as most single mother’s aren’t usually done with the father of their child altogether – the so called “ex.”

A lot of single mother’s stay in limbo between two emotional extremes of despising their child’s father and also wanting him to change.

When the child is very young, before entering a regular routine at school, there are several attempts and considerations of reconciliation by one or both parents.

It Could All Be So Simple

No one with a sound mind intends on bringing a child into the world and raise them in a divided household.  In the most ideal setting, Tierra, Kevin and Donte would be under one roof, living in a healthy family arrangement.

If they could have worked things out, Tierra, Kevin, and Donte would still be a family unit. So what can happen when Kevin demonstrates the change or changes over an extended period of time that Tierra longed for in him but never got?

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Caught In The Crossfire When Dating Single Mothers

The tie between Tierra, Kevin and Donte, will almost certainly end up being much stronger than any sort of bonding that Will could ever have with Tierra and her son Donte.

How does the idea of being back together intensify itself between Tierra and Kevin?

Think about those moments when Tierra drops off Donte at Kevin’s for a few days.  Kevin notices that Tierra’s been losing weight. Tierra likes the new beard on Kevin. They are on much better terms and even consider themselves to be good friends again. The two laugh about old memories, flirt about intimate moments and Tierra spills some gossip on their mutual friends. It’s like they can’t help it. There is a unique bond that these two have that Will simply cannot have with Tierra for it is now biologically impossible to do so with her.

Kevin tells Tierra that he has a girlfriend now and that he wants Tierra to meet her. He does this as a test to see if Tierra will take the bait and try to show interest in him again. Tierra plays it cool but can’t help but to notice these little changes that Kevin is making.  She wonders, why he couldn’t do all those things when they were together.

When Tierra and Kevin video chat about little Donte every morning, Tierra lounges around barely dressed.  Why would she change her clothes? It’s not like it’s something Kevin hasn’t seen before.

Donte’s face lights up to see daddy on the screen. Kevin frequently takes a shot at getting Tierra back despite her having a new boyfriend. They look at little Donte as he matures and notice how he has her nose and his lips, her cheeks and his eyes.

Deeper Than Second Thoughts

Tierra tries to brush it off, but honestly, she likes the attention. Is it really so that when Tierra brings little Donte over and hands him to Kevin, planting a warm kiss on Donte’s cheek that her and Kevin won’t find themselves also sharing a kiss?  Will Tierra will resist Kevin’s desires for her?

What reason does Kevin have to respect her new relationship? After all, this is his “baby mama.” In his mind, it’s always going to be his pussy since he has placed his stamp on her womb.

The Naivety of Childless Men Dating Single Mothers

Will trusts Tierra.

She said she was done with Kevin. She told Will all the things that she disliked and even hated about her child’s father.  Tierra swears that there is no way in hell that she would get back with Kevin. Plus it’s been awhile since they’ve been broken up. Yet all of the little moments reinforces the bonding that they naturally have as parents.

That special tie is what Will wants with Tierra, but it’s too late. It’s over 3 years too late. Even further, the type of love that Will develops for Tierra can never be matched by her.

Dating Single Mothers and Hierarchy

You see in this first relationship dynamic, the hierarchy of importance in Tierra’s world is as follows:

1. Donte
2. Tierra
3. Kevin
4. Will

Donte must be put first. Second comes Tierra as the mother and primary caretaker ad next comes Kevin as Donte needs his father. What’s best for Donte must be protected at all times. Will comes in at the bottom because he is literally the least important. God forbid Tierra gets a dog or Will could be fighting for his roster spot.

However in Will’s hierarchy, he’s prepared for it to be as follows:

1. Tierra
2. Donte
3. Will

As men, we are self-sacrificing for the women that we love. Childless men like Will are willing to put Tierra and even her son, the product of another man – ahead of his own self. This is such a common occurrence among Black men.  Unlike men who have children already, Will can only experience a sense of fatherhood in his relationship with Tierra. Will has put himself in the bulls-eye for emotional turmoil and devastation.

This is Between Me and Him: Tierra and Kevin

But suppose Will isn’t aware of the strength of this biological tie of Tierra, Kevin and Donte. Will and Tierra have been an item for going on a year and everything seems to be going well.

One evening, Tierra gets a call from Kevin demanding that she come pick up Donte, as he has to attend to an urgent matter, (a ploy to interrupt her time with her boyfriend). This completely interrupted Tierra’s plans because she wasn’t anticipating having Donte for another two days. She had an evening planned with Will at her place. Tierra doesn’t want to cancel on Will tonight as she has done so many times when there’s a problem with Kevin or Donte.

When Tierra arrives at Kevin’s, he is already on the porch holding Donte as he’s asleep on his dad’s shoulder. Kevin is upset not only because of the back and forth that he had on the phone with Tierra about picking their son up early, but he hates knowing that Tierra has clearly moved on from him.

“And as far as your little boyfriend, you better make sure he don’t do nothing to my son, that’s all I gotta say.”

Tierra assures Kevin that Will is a great guy and that he would never have to worry about that.

After getting Donte in the car, the arguing continues between Kevin and Tierra and they start fighting – fist fighting, in the middle of the street. Kevin grabs Tierra by the face and it sets her off. This isn’t the first time that these two have went at it like this. Donte wakes up from his slumber and Tierra drives off angrily.

Reality Check in Dating Single Mothers

Tierra arrives at home where Will patiently waits for her in her driveway.   When Tierra gets out the car, Will can see that something is wrong with her.

“Hey babe.” He starts. “Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just Kevin being an ass.”

Will hates to hear Tierra swear around her son.

“What happened?” He asks. As she turns to him with Donte on her shoulder still a bit disheveled. He sees that she’s been crying and that she has a red mark under her eye that shows so easily on her skin.

“Did he hit you?” Will asks furiously as he instinctively jumps in his car to handle business.

“It’s nothing, it was brief, and we settled it.” She tells him.

“What?” He barks out. “It is something! I need to go over there and handle it!” Will commands.

“Handle what?” Tierra replies.

“This is Donte’s father. You can’t just go over there and just start whopping his ass. What if you hurt him? What if both of you end up in jail? Then what about Donte, where would that leave him if his dad can’t be there for him?  Did you even think about that? Just play your position! Let’s just go in the house and talk about this Will. As a matter of fact, that whole thing is over, let’s just move on from it. I handled it and I don’t want these nosy ass neighbors in my business.”

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When The Father Who Stepped Up, Becomes The Fool Getting Stepped On

Will realizes in this moment as he tucks his tail between his legs and carries Donte’s bag in the house that he is an outsider in Tierra’s life no matter his title.

He is handicapped from doing his job as her man because in a situation like this, the damage that he causes Kevin damages Donte.  For men in general, in dating a single mother you will get constant reminders that you are essentially an outsider interrupting a broken family’s business.

Imagine Will and Tierra were walking down the street enjoying an evening out and a random man out of nowhere began to threaten Tierra either verbally or physically.  Not only would Tierra expect for Will to handle business, but she would not even respect him if he didn’t. But it’s different when it comes to Kevin.

Will has put himself in a situation where he is a third wheel and even even an emotional cuckold to their co-parenting.  If Will is going to be with Tierra – than he might as well love Kevin too.

Will & Donte: Another Loss for Childless Men

I once heard a mother complaining about her child’s father. Her son was in pre-school. The father had apparently not seen his child for over 6 months despite living in the same city. When the father did reach out to the mother, it was usually to make an empty promise that he would come and get their son for the weekend, buy him some clothes and spend quality time with him. Those weekends never came. Her frustration led her to make a very striking and startling statement that I will never forget:       

“I can’t wait to get a real man so that I can show my son’s father that it took another man to do the job that he was supposed to do, but wasn’t man enough to perform. I can’t wait!”

One pitfall that should be of serious concern in dating a single mothers is unknowingly being used to make the child’s father jealous.  If Will is a scapegoat his eventual separation from Donte is going to devastating.  Yet another reminder of the volatility of dating single mothers.

In Retrospect

Many childless men have a natural love and affinity for children.

One  area of concern for childless men is the fear of failure of perfecting the role of father. There is a self inflicted pressure that being successful as a father means getting it all right all the time.  The mere idea of destroying trying a family through infidelity or being an inadequate provider is enough for thousand of men to write off the experience of fatherhood for good.

It must be understand that things don’t always go as planned but that as long as you’re doing your utmost to bring up a child lovingly and make the best way for them that success as a father can be experienced.

Back To Reality

Will is back at his cozy bachelor pad. After experiencing a roller coaster ride of emotions in his relationship with Tierra, he sits on his loveseat alone with the sunlight peeking through the blinds on his cheek providing the closest warmth that he’s felt since Tierra has walked out of his life. He’s a miserable man. If it weren’t for the kids that look forward to seeing him  at the Boys and Girls Club, he probably would’ve lost it by now, but they give him something to look forward to. He sees the lessons and he’s grateful for them but these lessons were expensive and will cost him mentally more than anything.

When his friends ask what happened between them, he has to downplay it, holding back the bucket of tears that will drench his pillows for the foreseeable and reply in a somber tone, “It just didn’t work out.”

Written By: Waymon Brown. Creator of theesquireproject.com. Email info@theesquireproject.com