As a Black man on the rise, you’re in the business of making yourself more valuable in the marketplace and creating opportunities to improve your lifestyle.  On this run, you will encounter women along the way that can trip you up in your journey.  A man who’s not just on his grind but who is also about purpose needs a hedge for avoiding the pitfalls of women that catch his eye.

What does it mean for you as a man to be on your purpose?  It means that you have an outline for the direction of your life and that you allocate your time, money and attention around that vision.  This includes having objectives for areas such as: your career, projects, health and fitness, wealth building, causes, hobbies, interests, etc.

As I glance over my intimate dealings with women, they have generally tended to have two distinct effects on me.

(A) They have been an incentive in some way

(B) They have been a distraction in some way

Usually it’s a little bit of both.

When a man isn’t 100% sold on the attainment of his personal goals, he will probably stumble across at least one woman who will throw him off of his already shaky game, especially when a part of his desires include having a woman or women in his life in some capacity.

I believe in the power of love.  True love is based on principles.  Love can get you over anything.  I believe in loving a woman based on principles.  However, as romantic as I am, I have concluded that being in love with a woman has been a snare for me.  This means that I no longer value or intend to have a deep emotional connection with a woman in which I strongly crave her displays of love, attention and affection, I no longer idealize a woman and I no longer put stock in the idea of having a long-term future with a woman that is fueled by an attachment to her or emotional bond with her.

As I mentioned, I’m a romantic man at my core.  I adore and have even venerated the touch, taste, sound, sight and sound of a woman.  Her hair, her hands, her physique, her softness, her feet, her eyes, her mouth, her walk, her smile.  When I’m really into a woman, I even want to smell her breath first thing in the morning.  For as long as I can remember I have been enraptured in the splendor of femininity.  In a perfect world, all of this would be fine and well to enjoy freely – to just let the energy flow and to experience the full range of emotions that can be had with her.  However, men need to regulate their emotions and regulate their desires.  One of the strongest desires that they have to regulate is that of attaining and maintaining specific emotional connections with women.

This piece is written particularly to help single men on the come up who want to deal with women and are open to building relationships with them but want to do so without getting caught up in women.

In order to do that, like with most areas of success, it takes both philosophy and strategy.  Men are typically most productive in life when working with principles that help them to keep order.

In order to form and internalize a philosophy of any sort, you must have information and then apply constraint in your thinking.  While I consider myself to be an accurate thinker: meaning that I will always try to be correct in my thoughts about a given subject based on having all of the facts in order or what I believe to be factual before stating an opinion: when it comes to evaluating commonalities of female behavior, I have found it fundamentally sound to – group, classify generalize and use sound philosophy. I’ve been able have sufficient accuracy about female tendencies when using constraint.

Applying constraint on my thinking about women has enabled me to keep my thoughts, feelings and actions about them within certain boundaries.  Having boundaries when doing anything is integral to processing information because boundaries provide us with guidelines and guidelines helps us to achieve desired results with efficiency and organization.

The desired result here is that of  avoiding the trap of having a strong emotional attachment to women and a set of expectations from women based on mismanaged desires for them that when unmet, has the ability to set off a catastrophic bomb on our souls that throw us off completely in our pursuits.

Here’s a philosophical guideline that can serve you in your romantic, sentimental and amorous dealings with women.

• A woman that you permit to be in your life should be there to add evident value to your life, but not make your life in any way. If she does not add the value that you seek, she will become a cancer to your life that eats away from your quality of living.
• You are susceptible to the dangers that can come with getting emotionally involved with a woman to any extent but specifically when there is a strong sense of bonding with her and a sense of permanency of her being in your life.
• Only certain women should be a part of your life and should only remain in it on your terms.  Those that are not on par have to be avoided or removed from your life no matter how much you may be interested in her.
• The improvements that she brings should be enjoyed and appreciated while they last but it should be recognized that her offerings are not meant to last eternally and should be viewed as a bonus to a man’s life.
• It is your responsibility as a man to ensure that only a woman that deserves a spot in your life based on the design that you have given your life ahead of time make it into your life on your terms and that you do not lower your standards out of your innate longing for her companionship or sexual partnership.

Some things are best learned through experience, but I can tell you that I’m at the point in my life that while I welcome all experiences in order to see where they will take me on this journey of living, if someone could save me some trouble in any area then I would greatly lend an ear.

So here are 10 things that I would tell myself over again.  The 10 Commandments of Not Falling for a Woman.

1.  Do Not Neglect Designing Your Life Ahead of Time

When a man doesn’t have an outline for his life, he’s in trouble.  As a rule of thumb, plan your life our for at least 3 months or as long as you can envision.  Three months is usually sufficient enough to see measurable progress while allowing room for the needed flexibility of unexpected changes that may evolve as you make your way through progressions.  If at least 80% of your life can be accounted for ahead of time, you will see wonders in your progress.

It is very important to note that none of your adjustments should be based on fitting a woman into your life as a key ingredient.  This can be really tough for the younger man that may be in college or trade school who’s working on a career in order to start a family as in this case, a woman represents his other half.  If you’re a man looking for a woman to be your other half, to complete your life in some way – than this piece wouldn’t be meant to serve you in such a capacity.  If you’re a man that is willing to have a woman incorporated into his life and sees the soundness of basing your relationship with her by her ability to fit your plans and purposes, than keep reading.

A woman in your life must fit your program.  You should already have an agenda for your own self as a single man.  First you must recognize your value as a Black man who invests into improving every area of himself.  As you improve, so does your network, community and the world at large.  You have so much to bring to the table and you will be a blessing to a woman’s life.  I will tell you that avoiding the trap of falling for a woman starts with a man’s self-discipline and the steering of his own ship – being the captain of his life.

It is wise to take time to yourself to set your life up ahead of time before giving a woman any serious, regular time and attention.  Take a few months to a year off if necessary to organize your life, which may include no dating – even casually: and even no sex.  Yes, no sex.  In order to keep your social interactions with women up, you can be a part of different social circles that allow you to still interact and enjoy their company in a balanced way.  If you do find yourself being drawn in to a woman’s allure, you can maintain a friendly level of periodic communication while keeping yourself at a distance with your energy, time and attention.

When you meet a woman that you like and you have your priorities in order, explain upfront to her what you do have to offer and what you do not have to offer in a relaxed yet straightforward way and stick to it.  If you change on this, she will notice when you have allowed her to get a hold of the control panels of your life and she will stop desiring and respecting you for it over time.  With enough experience in observing her nature and tendencies, you may conclude that she can become a factor in your life but she should not be a piece that makes your life.

Don’t allow a woman to guilt you into having a rigid schedule or about not being as available as she would like.  She is not to be negotiated with.  When she complains, this is when you may be inclined to take your foot off the pedal out of fear of losing a connection with her.  Don’t fall for it.  The time that you can give her actually do give her and do so undivided – and the time that you cannot give, do not give to her.  Even if you make time for her further, she can walk out of your life unexpectedly and then you will have made the sacrifice of getting off track all for nothing.  Have a design for your life and allow women who can contribute towards your purposes to get in where they fit in and treat them with fairness, consideration and appreciation.

If you don’t have a plan for your life, she will have a plan for it!  This is when your diplomacy will backfire as she will try to keep you around until she figures out what to do with you and you will become one of the men whom she’s trying to compartmentalize in her life as she attempts to figure out her own.

Don’t fall for it!

Lead the way and stay the course or you will get derailed.

2.  Do Not Communicate With Her Every Day.

When you meet a woman that you really hit it off with, it’s normal to want to talk to her regularly to keep it going.  After all, when the chemistry is really strong, you don’t want it to die off and you can start to feel unsure if you’ll run across a connection like that again.

As men we like comfort in dealing with women.  Once we talk to a woman on a regular and get used to her being around, we loosen up our tie, kick back, relax, put our feet up and trust that all is well as long as there aren’t any major problems between us and the woman.  And that’s exactly when things tend to take a turn for the worse.

When women get comfortable with you, when they think that they know you – usually they will test you.  She will try to see how much you like her, how dedicated you are to her and how much you’re willing to go through to keep her in your life.  I know, I know, the silly games that they play when everything could just be so cool and drama free, but that will not be the case.

Unfortunately, the more you talk to her, the more you enable yourself to become used to her and the more you expect from her emotionally.  When you see a change in her patterns of communication on the decline, you will find yourself making allowances for things that you shouldn’t tolerate from her and making compromises for her that she isn’t worthy of.  All because you will feel that you need her in your life because you grew accustomed to her being in it.

This is the danger zone for men.

I understand that you like her, you really like her – you may even love her already: but you simply cannot keep her on your mind even if you see her as a future girlfriend or wife.  Soon enough she will be occupying the majority of the space in your head and when she starts communicating with you infrequently or just stops communicating with your altogether with or without an explanation, you will find yourself struggling to put the pieces to the puzzle together – attempting to figure out what happened.  What happened is that she changed her mind in some way about you.  Women are inclined to change their mind about you over time as their feelings in general change about many things.

When men fall for woman, we tend to fall very hard.  We have to make sure that the emotional output that we expend on any woman is in proportion to our capability to manage her absence in a way that does not impede upon our pursuits, peace of mind and quality of life.  That sentence is essentially the key to success in this entire piece.

Beware of allowing yourself to become further and further into her, no matter how strong the chemistry is: especially in the beginning.  You have to keep an emotional distance.  Avoiding daily communication with her goes a long way in that respect.  So no daily texting, calling, messaging, video chatting, or liking her pictures on social media.  If you feel that by not showering her with constant attention that she will seek it elsewhere, understand that a woman’s nature to consume a man’s attention will never allow you to satisfy her never ending cup for it and that she will seek attention elsewhere by default no matter how much you give her.  It literally will never be enough for her as her needs for attention come in a myriad of forms at different times.  This is time that you just won’t have when you’re on your grind and time that you have not been granted in a lifespan.

If she keeps wanting more and more of your time, this is your time to ask her sincerely and tactfully: what contributions she’s bringing to the table in exchange for your attention.  Most women know that their most valuable currency is a man’s typical desire for the fulfillment of sex with her.  Most women will scoff at the idea that they’re supposed to be of a significant benefit to you in some way as equally as you are to them because women view themselves as being tremendously more valuable in the sexual and dating marketplace.  If this is her attitude you have to have the strength to walk away.  Your time and attention needs to be compensated in the way(s) that you see fit.  A woman is a bonus to your personal plans.  Remember that.

3.  Do Not Allow Yourself to Become Affected By Her Sexual & Romantic Choices, Desires or Interests

This is a tough one.

Jealousy is destructive to a man’s spirit and possessiveness has no place in your interactions with a woman whom is not committed to you based on mutual agreements in place that you put faith in.  Additionally, believing that she is committed to you even with those agreements can still set you up for failure if you’re expectations are mismanaged.

Women like variety just as much, if not more so than men.  A woman can be really into you but will still have a wandering eye for other men based on factors like: height, muscularity, smile, handsomeness, dress and grooming, status, sexual energy, attention, etc.

A woman is curious.  The boy crazy spirit that she had in high school does not really die down as she gets older.  She can now experience sexual liberation as an adult with no limits.  She wants to know what other men are like.  She wants to have sex with other men besides you.

If you’ve managed to keep a distance from a woman emotionally and you have set limits on your contact with her, you have done yourself a service for when she likely in some capacity acts on her desires for another man in an intimate way.

This intimacy may mean that she finds herself getting more emotionally involved with a man than sexually.  Sometimes it’s a combination of both.  Don’t take it personal.

First off, remember: she’s not yours.  One of the most memorable quotes to me is:

“It’s never your pussy, it’s just your turn.”

Even if I were married, I would probably still keep this philosophy in my holster.

This is really tough to bare when you have developed strong feelings for a woman and when you believe in the potential of the both of you.  In fact, no man wants to even hear a quote like that when he has grown to love a woman.

A woman can be into you today and change her mind the next day.  When you’re living on your purpose, having very high confidence in yourself is a key component to success.  This is not the time for you to begin feeling inadequate in any way because of a woman’s choices with whom she shares her body with and spreads her heart to.  It would be best to just go into dealing with any woman who’s not yet “yours” under the assumption that she already is or that she will likely share herself with at least one other man while you’re dealing with her, especially if she hasn’t shared herself sexually with you yet.  When you have invested your heart and mind into a woman than this will come across as a violation of your intimacy with her.  Why did she have sex with him on the first night but she didn’t make love to you after months?  Its gut wrenching but it happens.

If you find the idea of a certain woman that you like being with another man to be a struggle you should consider only dealing with women that demonstrate sexual temperaments that you can tolerate.  Meaning if you get negatively emotional about the freaky girl, or the flirt, just stay away.  That’s who she is.  she’s a freak and a flirt.  If you don’t like the idea of the girl that you like constantly being hit on by guys because she’s a bartender, be honest with yourself and don’t bite off more than you can chew.  However, don’t get caught up in that “good girl” that you finally meet either as this can merely be an image.  Even if a woman has a promiscuous past that she’s attempted to clean up: remnants of old patterns repeat themselves typically with humans.

Understand and accept that women like to have options no matter how much she tells you that she likes you, no matter how much she says that she loves you.

All of the men connected to her on social media, all of the men at her job, all of the men at her school, all of the men in her professional and personal networks, old friends, new friends, ex’s, strangers walking down the street, etc. are always going to remind her of her plethora of options.

Often, even guys that most women view as being classically attractive won’t have nearly the opportunities for sex and attention that even a below average looking woman has.  Eventually this attention will wear on her.

Most single women particularly need and crave lots of attention from men.  They’re addicted to it.  I’m of the belief that if most straight women in this social media age stopped getting attention from the  men that they’re accustomed to getting it from and the men that they want for about 90 days, most of them would be open to exploring bi-sexuality for sexual validation.

If you like a woman but notice that she’s posting pictures online that will clearly attract men, that means that she isn’t done advertising.  What is she advertising?  She advertising that she’s available – available for attention.  This attention turns into compliments, conversations, different types of relationships and sex much more often than not.  After all, how did she land in your life in the first place?  Undoubtedly it was the attention that you gave her.

I can tell you that I’ve lost sleep over women from having a feeling in my gut that something was going on with them and another man sexually.  Your gut is as honest as a 5 year old kid asking a question.  Go with your gut.  For one, it just shows that you don’t trust her anyway and you must have reasons not to trust her, either because she’s exhibited some sort of behavior that is unbecoming of a woman that you want to deal with, or because you know of her past behavior when it comes to men.  For example.  If she met you and got involved with you when she had boyfriend and/or considered herself in some sort of complicated relationship: what do you think she will do to you when things are on the fence?  You gain very little by giving her the benefit of the doubt here.  When a person shows you glimpses of who they are, or who they could be – believe them the first time.

As a child, I remember getting a whooping for something that I didn’t even do.  I was told that the whooping was for what I would do next time that I won’t get caught for.  My great-grandmother was wise in putting a deposit down ahead of time on my discipline because she was right.  A woman will try to persuade you that your’re looking at her under the wrong lens, with the “I’m not that type of woman” assurance, but in truth you’re looking at her under the lens of what she’s already demonstrated that she has a capacity for.

The last thing you need is for a woman’s choices in this area to throw you off your game when you’re in the trenches making something of yourself.  You can’t afford to be depressed for the next 6 months or longer.

4.  Do Not Believe a Word She Says.

Even when a woman is telling me the truth, I consider it bullshit.  Women even in their most sincere moments tend to give their word based on how they feel in those moments.  Unlike men, they aren’t used to being held to having a sense of obligation to their word and will look at simply changing their mind as an acceptable practice.  Even other women make allowances for a woman’s neglect to live up to her word as they have strong empathy for each other’s tendencies and ways and make excuses for each other’s behaviors.

How many times has a woman told you during sex that she’s yours, just for you to see her get with another guy?

How many times has a woman told you that she’s always going to be your friend just to drop you like a bad habit without warning when she starts a new relationship?

Women already have a hard enough time accepting the truth about themselves when it’s not building up their self-image.  They will often distort reality in order to place things a certain way in their minds.  When a woman assures you that she will always be by your side, that she’s not dealing with anyone else, that she’s always going to be around, simply don’t buy it.  Just enjoy the time that you have with her when she’s in your presence and make sure she’s always giving you the respect that you deserve.  Men are long term thinkers and if you buy into her words, you will anticipate her being around over the long haul and forget about the temporal nature of relationships.  Don’t put stock into what she says.  You can believe in her potential, but do not believe in her words.

5.  Do Not Base Your Behavior on Her Behavior.

A lot of women like to eventually play games with men to see if they can somehow contain us and get us to operate in ways that they can predict.  They will use things like, “I’m not dating anyone else,” or “I don’t even bother talking to the other guys that text me,” in order to get you to believe that you owe her the same allegiance in return.  Not only is falling for this a violation of rule # 3, but she’s grooming you to feel guilty about dealing with other women if you chose to.

Even when she’s your’s, her loyalty may only stretch about as far as her vagina.  Even when she tries not to, she can find herself inclined to act on her desires for other men at some point.  In fact, you should tell her that you have already decided that you are going to do what you want when it comes to other women (even if you aren’t dealing with other women).  Unless you already have agreements in place of exclusivity, she needs to know that she may not be the only woman that you spend time with or give your attention to – essentially that she shouldn’t be treated special.

A woman once told me that she wanted to “mark her territory” (known as my home), and that if other women were over in my bed after her, than she wouldn’t be in my bed again.  This is despite having a disturbing repugnant sexual history with some low-quality men.  It’s amazing how a woman can desire exclusivity and special treatment when there is typically nothing that remains exclusive or sacred about her sexuality at all by the time that she gets to you in life.  The issue here was trying to establish a sense of control in my life over an area in which she deserved none.  This and other types of selfish games that women play can trip a man up when he’s really into a woman and she can keep him on a short leash mentally.  You will feel obligated to live your life based on the way that you believe that she’s living hers when you fall for this trap.  Do not fear losing the connection that you have with her.  You set the rules and if she doesn’t abide by them, then like failing to get through the metal detector at the airport, she is not to be permitted through the gates.

6.  Do Not Get Comfortable Interacting With Only One Woman.

Put yourself in multiple networks where you can always meet other women.  One of my earliest business mentors said that in building a sales team it’s important to never get comfortable with your current lineup.  His rule was:  Always Be Recruiting.  This means that you don’t want to get into management mode with women; being comfortable with a roster.  I don’t subscribe to viewing women as a part of a roster because it indicates that you can count on women to be on your team.  You may have a few women whom you keep in contact with and spend time with regularly more than others, but never stop yourself from meeting other women when you’re a single man.  Join a couple of business/professional networks such as your local chamber of commerce and also a couple of hobbyist groups.  Don’t forget large events that attract a lot of singles by the droves that take place in your area throughout the year.  A woman ALWAYS has other men lined up.  Never believe that it’s all about you.

7. Do Not Think that She Is Around to Stay and Once She Leaves, Let Her Stay Gone

Understand that all relationships are temporary either because they are separated by the choice made by one or both parties or by death.

A lot of times, women handle personal problems by avoiding the confrontation of them.  Have you ever had a woman that stopped talking to you pop up weeks, months or even years later as if everything was just supposed to be normal with you and her?  A woman will often use the excuse that she was dealing with some issues as a reason to justify her flaking on you.

I let an ex-girlfriend come in and out of my life more times than I can recall over a period of years.  Sometimes she left to get herself together, other times she left to get with other men.  Each time that I allowed her back I realized that she had no respect for my life as she knew that she could enter at-will no matter what was going on in my world because I would always take her back.  A fool and his money are soon parted but a man thinking with his heart is an even bigger fool.

When you know that you haven’t done anything to deserve a woman simply walking away and discarding you, no matter what she says as being her reason, just leave her alone.  Don’t accept her back into your mind or heart and you probably shouldn’t even accept her back into your life at all.  In my experience she will simply do the same thing again.  She has no reason to change the way that she treats you when the going gets tough because walking away is just how she handles things.  If you were to handle things with her the same way, she likely wouldn’t tolerate it from you.  If she apologizes, recognize that even her apology is based on how she feels when she’s giving it.  Until she learns to deal with her emotions differently, she will maintain the same routine behaviors when she’s under pressure.  Have some pride and respect for yourself and let her kick rocks.

8.  Do Not Try to Make Yourself Comfortable With Her Secrets.

If she has too many secrets that make you uncomfortable about her past or present, use caution.  So many women have parts of their lives that they aren’t proud of.  It’s understandable that a lot of women have been victims in circumstances that they couldn’t control and when you’re aware of that – being very sensitive about those things is really important.  However, some things she could control and still acted upon and she isn’t proud of those things.

If you’re attempting to include a woman into your life closely, I believe that knowing certain things about her past are extremely important to know and understand, even if she finds them difficult to share.  It’s also important to know the history of her character, her outlooks her morals and ethics in general.  The reason is that you have no clue how elements of her past have affected her and how they will affect the relationship that you have with her.  Everything counts in life.  We are the sum total of our past.

If she is very closed off about parts of her life that she seems to want to live down and brush aside, use extreme caution.  In some cases, you may even conclude that you shouldn’t deal with her.  You may look at it as “giving up on her” but I can tell you that even when you try to be patient, understanding and  non-judgmental for years, she may still not let you in on certain things out of fear of how you will view her and some things she just doesn’t want to think about anymore.  Again though, it is recognized that some of her experiences are just so traumatic for her to feel comfortable with expressing wherein she experienced some sort of victimization.  Either way, it’s important to know how her past may affect your present and future interactions and not to force yourself with having a mind that races in a state of anxiety, constant concern and uncertainty about her as a person.

9.  Do Not Accept Unacceptable Behaviors

Every man needs to have things that he just won’t tolerate from a woman.  My philosophy is to have both a Zero Tolerance Policy and a Two-Warning Policy.  I won’t go more than two warnings about certain things because two or more occurrences is a pattern.  Patterns become habits much to easily.

Examples of some of my Zero Tolerance Behaviors

Calling me a bitch

Stealing

Drug use

Deceitfulness

Examples of Two Warnings & She’s Out Behaviors

Cursing Me Out or Demonstrating Specific Forms of Disrespect

Telling “White Lies”

Cancelling on Me

As a man, you need to have a screening process for lifestyles and behaviors that you won’t tolerate.

Set hard rules and live by them.  Also have general rules of thumb and let them be your compass.

10.  Do Not Try to Save Her.

When a woman has a bunch of chaos in her life and drama, she will end up making your life worse before she makes it better.  Her problems were there long before you and will likely remain well after you.  If you have a history of being a Captain Save Em’ type like me, you will think that you can help a woman through her issues.  You care about her, you like her, you love her and you want to be her problem solver.  Do not do this!

For one it’s not your job to save her.  Second, you cannot save her.  Third, if you were in an equally unfavorable set of circumstances you’ll discover a slim to none chance of her offering the same exact extent of effort to you.  Fourth, it takes the sole responsibility off of her to get through her own issues that you at best could only be a support system in if she’s taking a professional and/or healthy route to healing and development.  Fifth, your efforts will often be forgotten and unappreciated once she’s on track.  Sixth, you will simply be creating an unnecessary headache that will diminish your quality of life.

Do not try to be her hero! 

If she’s in an abusive relationship, she will still deal with the same guy or the same type of guy in the future because she’s used to it and it’s familiar to her despite it being illogical.

If she’s broke, the same habits of failure that got her there will consume her finances continually until she learns and applies the disciplines needed to turn things around financially.

If relatives, acquaintances, peers and co-workers view her as the Black Sheep and you want her to see that you view her differently, realize that there is some type of validity for her reputation based on how she has conducted before you even met her.

Do not go through hell to help her get to heaven!

 

Whether you’re a Bible reader or not, the passages and proverbs contained their in have so much wisdom and truth.  In this society the women that you will encounter will probably fall somewhere between these two examples of stark contrast:

1st

“Who can find a good wife? For she is worth far more than rubies that make one rich.” Proverbs 31:10

2nd

“My son, pay attention to my wisdom.  Bend your ear to what I know, so you might remain discreet…the lips of a mysterious woman drip honey, and her tongue is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.  Her feet go down to death; her steps lead to the grave.  She doesn’t stay on the way of life.  Her paths wander, but she doesn’t know it…listen to me, and don’t deviate from the words of my mouth.  Stay on a path that is far from her; don’t approach the entrance to her house.  Otherwise, you will give your strength to others, your years to a cruel person.”  Proverbs 5:1-9.

My brethren, in your journey, keep your mind strong, your heart in check and your actions under control.  May wisdom be with you.

Written By: Waymon Brown. Creator of theesquireproject.com. Email info@theesquireproject.com